*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Wait a second…
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?