Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Breaking news:
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.