If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
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I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Mornin. * use accordingly
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
FINE, I WON’T.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
True.