The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang