Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
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I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.