They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon