WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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thinking about a very short hotdog
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.