My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
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Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…