i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?