People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
You Might Also Like
The Weeknd is back
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Me too, bag. Me too….
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.