Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
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Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.