I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
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Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
This kid is a star!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.