A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
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INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel