I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
can’t believe I got front row seats
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig