Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
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Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.