The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
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Every haunted house movie:
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Breaking news:
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.