COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try