3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
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If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.