Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?