Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.