priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive