Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me