Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.