crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
damn he’s good
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: