my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?