Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I only treason on days ending in y
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.