They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
2022: I can fix it
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her