ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
6. me as a lawyer
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Carpe DM
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table