I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
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USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Möther may I have a snäck
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.