“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
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Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here