8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Super Hand Dog Face
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
spot the difference
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire