OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
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donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Lucky old June.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Watermelon Boss!
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.