I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?