One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”