*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
twitter is a journey
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.