“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
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“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
drew a comic about my origin story
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”