Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Haha good job!!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT