I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
You Might Also Like
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
We avoided this particular disaster
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.