After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…