There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
dictator is short for richard potato
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran