life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run