If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
You Might Also Like
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow