*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.