Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
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My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The best shot in the history of golf
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Room with a view.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson