ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?