i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
FINE, I WON’T.