Namaste
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Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
#polloftheday
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.