Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
termite twitter scares me
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?