An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
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Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end