Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
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When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Left at a local drug store…
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Time for evil
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat